I DON'T drive. And I'll go to my grave that way; when I grow old, I'll expect my kids to ferry dear old dad around. That said, I like to think I'm a pretty good back-seat driver. Or rather, a left-hand-seat driver, for that's my position next to my wife. She, on the other hand, doesn't think I'm too hot a back/left-seat driver; she says I should learn to drive or shut up.

Whatever. The fact is, the front left side's mine. And from where I sit, there's a good view of other cars and motorcycles on the road, and without the distraction of actually driving. After 21/2 years here of watching traffic from this position, I have a question: Why do Singapore road users navigate the way they do?

(I say 'road users' and not 'Singaporeans' because I've noticed people in my neighbourhood that I know to be non-Singaporeans driving the same way.)

Singaporeans do everything by the book. The city is a remarkably well-ordered place. Look, for instance, at any carpark. Not only is every car clean and polished, but also they're all backed into their parking space. (The ones that aren't often have a Malaysian number plate.) And just last year, I finally learnt (to the surprise of everyone else in the room) what 'SOP' meant ' standard operating procedures that guide practices in the office and practically everywhere else.

But the SOP on the road baffles me. Road usage, apparently, takes little tangents from the highway code.

For one thing, I've never seen drivers use their hazard lights as much as in Singapore. Blinking tail lights, it seems, excuse all manner of odd conduct. You can wait along roads where you aren't supposed to if you have blinking lights. You can dash into 7-Eleven and leave your car by double lines if you have blinking lights. You can wait on top of zig-zaggy double lines if you have blinking lights.

Trying to get into the carpark at the Esplanade theatre last week, we should have realised sooner that the cars in front weren't in line for the entrance. A wedding party had abandoned their cars for photo opportunities in front of the theatre.

Should have noticed the blinking lights.

Blinking lights also mean it's okay for cab drivers to dive across lanes to pick up passengers.

Blinking lights allow drivers to slow to a crawl for unknown reasons, causing a tailback. ("What the...Whoap! He's got blinking lights. Relax everybody, it's okay.")

The curious thing is, while hazard lights get a lot of use, turn signals don't. They're the same lights, after all.

If a tree falls in the middle of a forest and no one's around, does it make a sound? And if a car's making a turn in a quiet suburban street, does it need to signal? Something like that.

There's a stop sign near our home, and we always hesitate there longer than other people. Mainly because we haven't figured how to tell which cars intend to go straight ahead and which cars turn. Turn signals would make things so much simpler.

A Malaysian friend of ours in Hong Kong likes to drive in the middle of the road, straddling the dividing line, if there are no other cars around. Cab drivers here like to do this on the PIE. I'm beginning to think this is a South-east Asian habit that I'd earlier missed.

Which brings me to changing lanes. Turn signals apparently are optional. I asked a colleague about this, and she admitted that she too didn't signal. Reason: If you do, someone behind in the next lane will speed up to stop you moving over. From my vantage on the front left-side, I think she's right.

Now, I have a bike. A bicycle, that is. And having ridden on the roads, I can appreciate what motorcyclists say about car drivers. They don't see them. I understand this because they don't see me on my bicycle even more.

But motorcyclists confuse me too. Call me silly, but I think motorbikes are entitled to full use of the whole lane of a road. Yet, rather than rightly asserting their presence smack in the middle of the lane, they take the in-between space: in-between cars in side-by-side lanes; right on top of the lane divider.

Maybe they're right, and car drivers don't give them enough respect (but wait till you're on a bicycle!), yet that in-between- lane riding position often puts them in a car's blind spot. There really is a reason motorcyclists sometimes aren't seen.

Finally, there are the flashing headlights (as opposed to flashing hazard lights.) Usually, you flash your headlights to indicate danger or to tut-tut at someone for bad behaviour.

Flashing headlights, however, are more often used here to say: "Stay out of my way, I'm speeding up to beat this traffic light!" It applies up in Malaysia too. When a big car comes to within 10 feet of your tail and flashes its lights, that means: "Move over. Now!"

Of course, Singapore drivers aren't the only ones with odd practices. In India, you might find a happy little message at the back of trucks: "Honk if you like my driving." So there's a happy honk to complement angry honks, which means there's a lot of honking.

In Sri Lanka, I once had a rental car driver (such a good thing it is that rental cars there come with drivers) who took his hands off the wheel to pray every time we passed a Buddhist temple.

There's enough craziness on the roads, here and elsewhere. I don't need to make a contribution. I'll keep to my left side of the car. How old must my daughters be before they can drive?