DEAR Organisers of the Bahrain F1 Grand Prix,

Greetings to you, who recognised the potential of Formula 1 and brought it to our tiny kingdom in 2004, thus making us the first in the Middle East to host an F1 race.

Of course, we do it our way. The celebratory champagne has been replaced by a mix of locally grown fruit, like pomegranate and trinj, combined with rosewater.

This wonder juice may come in handy this year. It's perfect for an uptight driver like Ferrari's Felipe Massa. He may have won in Bahrain last year but so far this season, he's been as speedy as a camel with a sore hoof. The fiery Brazilian's Prancing Horse galloped straight into a Red Bull in Melbourne, then decided to graze on some gravel at Sepang, which means he didn't finish either of the first two races and is stewing somewhere in the garage now.

He really needs to relax before tomorrow's race and I think some of our rosewater, with an extra shot of aloe vera, should do the trick. Because if he doesn't win any points soon, it will continue to fuel speculation about how that other sulky Latino might be taking his place soon.

Spain's Fernando Alonso is currently driving a Renault F1 car which is as slow as a, er, Renault passenger car. No wonder he's telling everyone about the break clause in his contract with the French team.

As in previous years, the Bahrain GP will be a successful showcase of this beautiful kingdom. The magnificent 5.4 km circuit by Hermann Tilke - the same German designer behind the Sepang track and the Singapore street circuit - has an awesome desert setting that looks great on TV. So what if the drivers complain about the sand and the wind? We've been living with it for thousands of years. What's one weekend for them? Tourists!

Even though the Bahrain track is one of the slower circuits on the F1 calendar, it takes a toll on the brakes and traction. With traction control banned this season, please don't be surprised if more drivers go on off-track excursions. Some of them will admit they lost control of the car, but some may not.

The Toro Rosso team could even say it's deliberate because they want the cameras to focus on their new Advanti racing wheels sponsored by Singapore-listed YHI International. Just like Sebastian Bourdais when he spun off on that first lap at Sepang.

But you should be more worried about FIA president Max Mosley turning up for tomorrow's race. He is supposed to stay away after reports of his Nazi-style orgy in a torture dungeon. They said he enjoys lashing prostitutes wearing mock death-camp uniforms, while they, in turn, whip him until he bleeds.

Don't worry, though, he won't embarrass us even if he attends. I'll make him wear a camel suit to avoid being recognised. If he protests, I promise to mount him and whip him. Hard. Who knows, he might even be faster than a Super Aguri!

Your Humble Servant

This article was first published in The Business Times on Apr 5, 2008.